Starving for Pizza

I need to start up an underground internet pirate radio station. I don't want to do it for profit, but in the true spirit of pirate radio - for the music. My target market would be me and consequently, I probably would be the only one who listened. I freely admit that I have lousy taste in music and I don't see that changing anytime soon. We likes what we likes and we shouldn't put on airs to be cool.

If I find the motivation, I'm gonna ask a nerd-friend of mine (I have several) to make me a simple page that looks cool as shit with a music player that streams at 192k for super quality. The player would display the album cover and artist's info. If I feel really daring, I could even include download links.

I don't know if I want to use this website to host it, I kind of like the idea that this is a really obscure blog. I don't think I have many readers, and I don't want to attract any either by putting up a radio station. I would promote MikeTV Radio. It would rule. Any ideas what I should call it?

A cleverly delivered backhand!

I need to meet more girls at bars. It hasn't worked out yet, but there is never a dull moment in each wasted minute.

I met a girl from Owatonna. It's about an hour away, which isn't that big of a deal because her hotness was worth the distance. We were originally going to go out in Minneapolis, but she forgot that she borrowed her car to her brother for the weekend and she needed to call her sister to see if she could watch her 3 kids. No car? 3 kids? This is where I should have called it off, but I was pretty much trapped at this point.

I called her when I got to her apartment building. She's in #5, so I went up and she met me at the door. It was then that I remembered why I was initially interested in her. I don't know how she can stand upright with her center of gravity so high. I'm not an elitist snob by any stretch of the imagination, but her place looked like it was robbed. It was a scarcely furnished 2 bedroom apartment about the same size as mine. There was no art on the walls and the only furniture in the place was a couch, a TV stand with a TV and 2 beds. The closets did not have doors on them either.

Since I have no idea what there is to do in Owatonna, I asked her where we should go. She wasn't helpful at all. It was weird, she all but flat out refused to offer any suggestions. At this point I got annoyed and wrote the date off as a total loss. We're going to Wal-Mart. I knew Owatonna would have one and I didn't want to completely waste my trip. I needed cat litter and some grass seed.

Things didn't get any better on this date. It was over, but I became really interested in her story. She told me about her demon spawned daughters. Her ex-boyfriend kicked them out of his house because her 10 year old would maliciously break everything. She would go into rages and smash dishes and break TV sets. She is trying to get ADHD medication that lasts all day for her because her current meds wear off about the time she gets home from school. great.

She had a rough childhood. Her dad beat her and her husband beat her, too. She isn't an angel either, she went to jail for beating her husband. She kicked him in the balls until he couldn't get up anymore, beat him savagely and then choked him until his eyes bulged out of his head. I can see why she is single. That relationship wasn't working out.

Her brutal honesty was interesting, so after Wal-Mart I suggested that we go to Mankato. I lived there for 4 years, so I knew my way around the town. We went to the Barmuda Triangle and had a few drinks on a patio outside of one of the bars. My favorite local pizza place was nearby, so we went and had some pizza. She didn't really like the vibe of the area. Too many dresses, too many high heels. What? One other thing to note... I am responsible and was driving, so I had already drank my 2 beers for the evening hours ago. She was at 5 and I was ready to bring her home. We stopped at Applebee's on the way out of town for one last drink. Why not? I wasn't in that big of a rush, and I was fairly certain that the Applebee's bartender would take her clipped ID. It was a problem at Buster's because She didn't have her DUI papers with her.

I ordered a Red Bull, a Red Rull, and another Red Bull. Then I switched to water. Anytime I went to the bathroom or was distracted talking to someone else, she would order another drink. There was no escape. After about 3 the show really started. The couple down the bar from us was loving this. The whole time I was there, they were offering me smiles, usually of sympathy but sometimes of conspiracy.

They would notice when she would more than accidentally rub her boobs on me or when she would start to grope me. I was being molested at Applebee's!

She would vary between seductress and crazy mean. She wanted to see my Facebook so she could see my pictures. She lost her shit and started yelling at me because some of the girls in my photos were too pretty. Literally yelling at me. WHY AREN'T YOU FUCKING THEM? uh. If you are really concerned about the blond, that's my sister. Everyone is just a friend. She kept going on and on about how I was too good for her. I recognize everyone is insecure, but come on.

I finally convinced her that it's time to go. I had been tipping the bartender well all night, but I left her another $10 because she was nice and didn't kick us out. I'm sure the thought crossed her mind. On the way out she had to go to the bathroom, so I walked over there with her. When we got to the point where our paths would separate, she grabbed my hand and told me she didn't want to go alone. Really? You want to hook up in the Applebee's bathroom?

She passed out before we even got out of town. The stereo was blasting, so I turned it down a little bit. I was happy that she was passed out. She couldn't cause any trouble if she was asleep. It's a 40 minute drive between Mankato and Owatonna, so there was plenty of time for my mind to wander. She mentioned earlier that her ex texted her, but she told him to fuck off. Was that the 290 pound one? By the time I pulled into her parking lot, I had convinced myself that he would be waiting in her parking lot with a baseball bat. That might not have been a bad thing. It would have been easier to get rid of this chick. You can have her, she's all yours!

Her parking lot was empty, but she wouldn't wake up. I really wasn't in the mood for this and I had to pee really bad again. I left her in the car and walked behind the dumpster in the parking lot and a train started to go by. Thats when I noticed her place is right next to the railroad tracks. Nice. The conductor of the train saw me peeing and started the train's whistle. It was loud, so loud that I looked over my shoulder to see if she woke up and got out of the car. Not at all. It took me about 10 minutes to wake her up. Oddly enough, she woke up all the way and asked me if I was going to sleep over. "We don't have to do anything, you can sleep on the couch". I had plans the next morning at 10 and you're a fucking psycho, so no thanks. I was nice enough to make sure she got in her apartment.

I don't think I am going to ask her out again.

When I bought my condo, I didn't buy it for its beauty. It was run down, but it had clear potential. The lawn was hopeless and drove me nuts. If I killed all the weeds, there would have been nothing left but dirt. There was no other choice but to tear it out and start from scratch. I've been taking care of the new lawn for a little over a month and I forgot how much I like gardening. It's an addiction.

Things are different in the city. Gardening is not a solitary activity here, people always want to stop and chat. Every time I go out, I don't know what to expect. Some gay guys wanted to take me home to be their personal gardener, but that wasn't as gross as the syringe I dug up when I was planting bushes. Three cheers for heroin addiction!

I met a guy who got out of prison a couple months ago and was walking around trying to sell his artwork. He told me he had some great tattoo designs. I'm horrible at getting rid of people who are nice, so I wasted 20 minutes looking at explicit porn. Who the hell would want a reverse cowgirl tattoo? He does portraits, too.

I met a super adorable girl. We talked for a little bit and she wanted to exchange numbers. I didn't have my phone on me, but I got her name to add her on Facebook. It seemed too easy and she was too perfect. We had a lot in common right away. How often do you sit around and talk about Photoshop techniques with someone you randomly meet on the street? Another thing we have in common is that we both are into girls.

My lawn looks pretty. It's a field of weed-free lush, green grass. It's also a chemical cesspool. My next door neighbor is a little pissed. She came home when I was copiously applying weed killer everywhere and she was concerned that all the dogs in the neighborhood were going to die. I told her I was going to put up some warning signs. I was feeling sarcastic, but in the end I just put Toxic Yard. Here's what I didn't put on the sign:

• This lawn will get you and your little dog, too.

• This lawn treated by Satan with uranium, crystal meth, and babies' blood.

• This lawn treated with ground up, shrunken, blackened republican hearts.

• Danger. This lawn can cure herpes.

• Partouze Interdit

I didn't just go to any church. I went to the World Overcomers Outreach Ministries Church in Memphis, TN.

First of all, I didn't go there with any malice in my heart. I went there out of genuine curiosity. I knew 2 things about this church before I went in. The first was that they are obviously against secularism. This isn't surprising since they constructed a 72 foot tall replica of the statue of liberty holding a bible in one hand and a cross in the other. The other was that this was a predominately black church. This isn't surprising since they constructed a 72 foot tall replica of the statue of liberty holding a bible in one hand and a cross in the other.

Here's the story:

I arrived at 11:10, service started at 11:15. After I parked the car, I had a moment of panic. I nearly left. I started to put all of my junk in the glove box. While I was doing that, I was reminding myself that I am parking in a church parking lot and that I didn't need to do that. Who would break into my car in a church parking lot? I mustered my courage, got out of the car and pressed the lock button 2 times. The car answered with a reassuring chirp.

The church is huge. It is more like a complex than it is a church. It was so big that when I got to the door it wasn't apparent where I needed to go. Thankfully, there was a greeter that gave me directions to the information counter and a hug. She told me that I should ask for Rhonda and that she would get me to where I needed to go. Since there wasn't much time remaining before the service started, Rhonda apologized that she couldn't give me a tour of the facilities and pointed me towards an "usher ministry" to get me seated.

I have been in a lot of churches, but I have never seen a church quite like this. First of all, it resembled a theater more than a church. To be specific, it was a thrust theater. The stage extended out into the audience. You might think I am being unfair and purposely trying to belittle this church by describing it as a theater, but it was devoid of any sacred artifacts save for one wooden cross above the choir. That struck me as odd since everything else was done in such a grandiose fashion. There were no religious statuary, no stations of the cross, no kneelers, nothing except one wooden cross. The pulpit didn't even have any religious symbols. Instead it had a golden church logo.

I have never been in a church that had a mixing board, "security ministries" (they wore gold badges), a six man camera crew and 5 enormous concert size screens. The only thing they were missing was lighting. It actually would add a lot to the service if they could throw some spotlights, or different colored lights that they could dim and some gobos on the stage for ambiance. I've been thinking about writing to the Apostle Williams to make this suggestion.

If you include the orchestra and balcony levels, I think the church would easily hold around 3 or 4 thousand people. There were only about 600 people there and about half showed up 20 minutes late.

The congregation was predominately black. I say that because I was there. If not for me, it would have been 100% black. The service started out right away with singing. A woman from the choir descended down to the stage with a wireless microphone in hand and did about 30 minutes of extemporaneous speech and singing with the band following along. "Praise Jesus.. if you love Jesus, say amen." I'm sure you get the picture. The crowd was dancing, and singing along or holding up their arms and amening along. One thing to note was that the band was really good. It really was interesting to see how they followed along with what the singer was doing. There was definite synergy. They were really top notch. Another thing I found interesting was that people would come and go through out the whole service. It was kind of weird.

Once the "music ministry" was over, one of the pastors had everyone sit down. He welcomed the visitors to the church and asked them all to stand. I obviously didn't and I'm glad I didn't because a group of about 10 ushers descended on all of the crowd with information cards that needed to be filled out (don't forget the back!) and envelopes for tithes. The pastor was sure to point out that once you get your membership number, you can get a 10% discount from all of the member businesses that advertise next to the bookstore.

The band started back up again. They weren't playing really loud; they were just kind of playing in the background. I don't know how to explain the pastor other than stereotypical black minister. "thank you Jesus, thank you jeeeeesus.. oh thank you Lord". The pastor then talked about all of the great things that God has done in everyone's lives and how we owe everything we have to the Lord. This segwayed into the importance of tithing. All of jumbo screens displayed the different verses in the bible and he went on to explain that God needs your first harvest. All God wants is 10%. He'll make sure that you can live off of the other 90%. He'll let you keep that. What happened next was truly amazing. He asked everyone to hold up there tithing and offering envelopes! He thanked Jesus again and an usher on the end of each row passed a basket down, everyone dropped their envelopes in and all the money was collected in about 15 seconds.

The next thing on the agenda was multimedia announcements. This is what most people call commercials. They had about 10 minutes of commercials that they played on the screens. Everyone was really excited about the all night prayer vigil. They really were, it was surprising.

After that there was about another 15 minutes of singing. The choir was really good! At this point I was wondering how long this mass was going to last. Nothing of substance really happened so far. I also wasn't sure what was going on. People were still coming and going like it was a baseball game. I was half expecting people to come back with popcorn or a giant foam hand.

An hour and 15 minutes into the service, a different Pastor arrived and started the sermon. It was on sin. My favorite part of the 1:15 long sermon was his demonstration of how Satan poisoned humanity with sin.

The pastor said that Satan was smart, and that he knew that the only way to infect all of humanity with sin was to get to the original man. To illustrate his point, the pastor took off his jacket, picked up a knife and cut an apple in half. He took out a seed and held it up and said that he could start an orchard if he were to plant this one seed. The next thing he did was to take out a syringe and inject the seed with "poison". He then said that if he were to now plant this seed that all the following generations of trees would be infected with poison.

About half way through the sermon, the guy next to me passed me a note. I opened it up and he wrote his name, telephone number and email address. I didn't know what to do; it freaked me out. The only thing I could think to say was, "thanks."

Besides what I already wrote above, there were several things about the service that struck me as bizarre:

• There were no ritualized prayers. There were no monotonous chants of the Our Father.

• The clergy dressed in real nice suits, they didn't wear the typical vestments.

• Everyone hugged each other, except for the guys of course. This church makes no qualms about denouncing "homasexuals". We exchanged offerings of peace with our neighbors two times.

• The church goes to extensive lengths to welcome and greet visitors. They also had a visitor's reception after the service where they had free refreshments. I did not go. Something tells me I didn't make a mistake.

• The church takes the position that women are inferior to men and that they should be subservient to their husbands. The congregation seemed to be 80% women. The pastor made certain to point out that Eve was tricked into eating the apple and that Adam did it willfully knowing that it was wrong.

I will freely admit that I am glad that I went. Unfortunately, I think I left with more confusion about the place than when I went in. I didn't have a bad time, the time really flew by and I was impressed with the eloquence of the Pastors. They really were crafty orators and rhetoricians.

Despite obvious problems, I don't think that this church is bad for the community. I know a lot of people in Memphis have real issues with this church. Something tells me that they could have impacted the community in a more positive way if they would have put the money they collected back into the community rather than constructing a mega church with a $260,000 statuary in front. But maybe they never would have raised the money they did had they not built on a grand scale. Like the pastor said, "it's to God to judge."

I am currently working with the patent office to protect my rights on this. Both Mercedes Benz (USA) and BMW have already expressed interest in my invention and are looking to add this as a standard feature in their higher end 2008 vehicles. I don't think it will be long before I get my 747. Or maybe a C5 Cargo plane would be better? No matter what I choose, it will have fog. All the time. I will light up the fog with lightning flashes and neon.

It's a simple thing. You push a button and fog comes out. So does your cool style when everyone sees how you are rolling in class.